buleriasTengo un secreto.

I’m

afraid

to go

to Spain.

I leave in a couple of days, and I’m scared

But not for the usual reasons.

Nope.

I’m afraid to take people there.  Even though this will be the third time I’ve taken a group there to study.

I’m afraid to be responsible for making sure they have a good time.  Even though I'm pretty sure they will.

But what if they don’t, and it’s all my fault?

What if they feel disappointed?

What if they hate it?  

Those are just some of the things I think

Maybe it is kind of like performing.

Because I usually think those things before a performance.

Or maybe it is kind of like dancing in front of a teacher in class.

Because sometimes I worry about those things then too.

That was written in October in Portland, and then

I found myself in Jerez

Aquí estoy en Jerez.

Having a good time.

With another wonderful group of ladies.

Learning a bunch.

Even though the fear still shows up.

For different reasons.

And under different circumstances.

Like on Monday morning when I told Stefani I was scared to go to bulerías.

I was scared, but I knew it was okay.

We were all feeling it a little bit.

And knowing that somehow made it better.

That was written in November in Jerez, and now,

I'm back home in Portland

Relieved to be here but missing Spain.

Jerez ...

Córdoba ...

Valencia ...

Barcelona ...

Madrid ...

There were moments of fear in each place.

But I'm okay.

That was written in December in Portland, and now,

It's February, and I'm still in Portland

I have been holding onto this post, as you can see, for months now.

Because I was afraid.

I'm still afraid.  Afraid to post this and admit that to you.

So, I reread what I wrote above.

About the moments of fear in each place.

About how it all worked out.

And I realize

Sometimes the scariest thing of all is this

The sharing my feelings thing.

That is one of the reasons I dance flamenco.

It's scary, sí, but it helps me to express my feelings.

It's practice.

It's an outlet.

More on that later...

I'm still here in Portland.

Y todo está bien.  Everything is okay.

...

Comments

I want to know about how fear shows up for you in flamenco?  I know it does.  Do you feel it in class?  Does it hold you back?  Or do you just notice it?  You can leave a comment below.

I'm in Portland now but headed back to Spain in May

Care to join me?  The details are here.